Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Monday, December 27, 2004
Friday, December 24, 2004
Helpful Hints
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds.
6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
9. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.
11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p*ssing in the sink.
20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
22. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex '. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
24. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
You got mail! Actually it's me. But I was trying to be funny by using a common phrase so.. OH NEVER MIND.
I posted one tip on getting a bigger mail box with hotmail and it really works. Try it. I now have 250 MB for my hotmail account.
But there's more, I now have a Gmail account! Woo~! 1GB of unadulterated email storage space.
Try getting yours here.
You have to be patient as the invites get snapped up real quick. If I get any invites from Gmail, I'll post here so I can send them to who ever wants it.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
For all those sad Hotmail users out there
For the unlucky people amongst us stuck with the lousy 2 MB hotmail inbox, know that americans have 250 MB for some reason. So to get that as well, here's what to do;
1) Login Hotmail
2) Go to settings
3) click the PERSONAL tab
4) choose My Profile
5) change the country to United States, the state tho Florida and the zip code to 33332. To be sure, change the language to english and your age +21 and press ok and all.
6) now copy this link into the same window and go there
http://by17fd.bay17.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/Accountclose
7) It will state all your mails will be deleted, but this is not the case. I still have all mine.
Click proceed each time and then log back in. You'll see your account size is now 25 MB, and it will soon be 250 MB.
Don't worry about the thing your account will be terminated. It is terminated, but it takes a while before it gets deleted, so you log back in, terminating the termination. And your mails still are there.
It worked. I have more space now. But I still want a Gmail account. Anyone has invites?
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Update
Bunch of videos. Not for the broadband challenged.
Freak! I don't want to be nasty, but I really cannot think of any other way to describe him.
That DID NOT happen to me.
Caught red handed.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Great book
I'm currently reading this book called "God's Debris" by Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert. It's available in E-Book format as well as a physical copy so you probably should not have too much trouble finding a copy to read it. And it's really thought provoking read. It is probably worth a read. An excerpt from one chapter is below:
God's Free Will
"Does God have free will?" he asked.
"Obviously he does," I said. It was the most confidence I had felt so far in this conversation. "I'll admit there's some ambiguity about whether human beings have free will, but God is omnipotent. Being omnipotent means you can do anything you want. If God didn't have free will, he wouldn't be very omnipotent."
"Indeed. And being omnipotent, God must be able to peer into his own future, to view it in all it's perfect detail."
"Yeah, I know. You're going to say that if he sees his own future, then his choices are predetermined. Or, if he can't see the future, then he's not omnipotent."
"Omnipotence is tricker then it seems," he said.
It's actually a ficitional story about his thought experiment and proposes some very interesting theories. While I don't exactly agree with everything he says, it's a very interesting read none the less.
Daily dose of laughter.
Been too lazy to search for links so I'll just be lazy and talk nonsensical stuff. Found this on www.football-rumours.com :
manutd will not sign anymore overseas players after recent flops. they will most probably bid for premier league players.which are probably gravesen,nolan,gerrard(is not possible as we dont have cash only if gill plains to make another major signing).talking about strikers he will loan out saha for the rest of the season to st. german.and for defenders the likes are kompany or vanden borre.the ones out are kleberson,djemba-djemba,o'shea,fortune,poole,for a sum of 20 million altogether.likes of giggs will not be going. he told mutv directly that it is all speculation and he will be signing hes new contract in the summer.but if the gaffer and giggs cant negotiate,it will be a swap deal for downing plus 2 million on our side. believe me on this oneOMG. What is he doing there? I know he's good in FM2005 but this is ridiculous. He's barely 16. But it's the Scum so who cares...
Been doing some thinking.
Thinking about the next holidays and what I can do then. I was talking to a friend and he mentioned Work and Travel and I remember reading about it in the papers. I really want to take part in that. Anyone interested? We can do it together so it wouldn't be so alien.
Work and Travel USA
Friday, December 03, 2004
Which book?
PROBLEM: Two books are for sale... Which to buy?
"Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?
Titanic: $ 29.99
Clinton: $ 29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a bull§§§§ artist
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary....basically the same
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Metaphors from actual GCSE essays, Allegedly
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open > again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Things to ponder on
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty pence?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Should have posted this in the CS2301 forum about political correctness...
READ FROM TOP TO BOTTOM: ----
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols …. please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslin employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorrry!
Did I miss anything ?!?!?!?!
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW !! I hope you all have a rotten holiday,
The Bitch from HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9 November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Happy Holidays !
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