50 (or so) things that you'll want to see next season.

* An explanation to be given for what that white stuff on Roman's chin actually is.

* As much as Mediawatch would disapprove, Harry Redknapp saying that he has a very big squad and is spoilt for choice, thank you very much.

* Jamie Carragher uttering a sentence that is comprehensible outside a 30-mile radius of Toxteth.

* Premiership managers to reveal exactly what it is that they scribble down in their notebooks during matches.

* David O'Leary predicting something other than 17th for Aston Villa.

* A Premiership footballer to openly admit he's gay.

* Paul Scholes to play for ManYoo like he did for England.

* A ban on outfield players wearing gloves during a football match to be issued.

* Sepp Blatter to be institutionalised.

* Ali Dia to be given a second chance.

* Emile Heskey to stay vertical for all of the 90 minutes. In every match.

* Football managers to accept that being sacked with their side either on the brink of relegation or actually relegated does not constitute a possible case of 'unfair dismissal'.

* Gordon Taylor to publicly accept that, even in extraordinary circumstances, footballers can do wrong.* Gordon Taylor to voluntarily take a wage cut.

* A Premiership referee admitting: 'Well, I didn't really see it, but there were 45,000 of them shouting. Can you blame me?'

* Every Man United player turning up for international friendly duty with a big 'Good luck' message from Fergie.

* Steven Gerrard replying to a question about Gerard Houllier with 'Thank f*** he's gone'.

* There to be no mention of either Celtic or Rangers (or, more likely, both) joining the English Premiership.

* Nancy Dell'Olio to start dating a Premiership manager, resulting in the new Italian stallion sitting in a directors' box throwing daggers at Sven during a match. That's real daggers, you realise.

* Joe Cole to play every game for Chelsea so it can finally be concluded if he's the real deal or not.

* Martin Tyler to swear live during commentary. We'll settle for 'bloody' but would prefer 'f**king.'

* Michael Owen to change his haircut after eight years (and possibly more).

* Sky Sports to put Quinton Fortune or Philip Neville on Player Cam rather than Ruud van Nistelrooy or Ryan Giggs.

* Ruud van Nistelrooy to score a goal from outside the penalty-area.

* Scott Parker to return to Charlton, admitting that being the key player for an up-and-coming club is a far more honourable undertaking than being a bit-part substitute for the richest club in the land.

* Jimmy Hill to stop carrying on the ridiculous pretence that his Sunday morning show on Sky is broadcast live from his kitchen table.

* Footballers to be fined £1000 every time they say "You know". Just imagine the fun it would be watching post-match interviews...

* All mention of Gazza enjoying some sort of ‘Boston tea party’ to be avoided.

* Linesmen to finally give the attacking side the benefit of the doubt.

* Clubs to stop the dubious practice of blocking loanees playing against them.

* Wes Brown to be classified as 'orange'.

* Gary Neville to officially endorse The Gary Neville Diaries

* Over the course of the 2004/05 season, fourth officials to have a 100% success rate when using their electronic board thingy.

* Each professional club to publish the full composition of their wage bill at the end of the season. Can it really be true that Everton pay Kevin Campbell and Duncan Ferguson £60,000- and £62,000-a-week respectively?

* Gary Neville to be sold by ManYoo to either Liverpool or Man Citeh.

* The introduction of Cesc Fabregas into the Arsenal team to inspire a new wave of mullets. The Daily Mail duly responds with a series of articles on 'where Britain has gone wrong'.

* Gilberto Silva passing the ball (successfully) forward.

* Graeme Souness saying: 'Well I can't blame the referee...Or Lady Luck.'

* Jeff Powell admitting that there is at least one man in the world who could do a better job as England manager than Terry Venables. Even if it's him.

* Clive Tyldesley getting through a whole game - any game - without mentioning 'that night in Barcelona'.

* No footballer being accused of rape, sexual assault or urinating in a public place.

* Emile Heskey winning the Golden Boot.

* The Sun putting a stop to all whisky-for-questions interviews with Brian Clough, Peter Osgood, Tommy Smith and Brian Robson.

* James Beattie admitting that he really isn't good enough for England and he's sorry he ever brought it up.

* Beautiful, single women to start going to lower-division football matches.

* Nicolas Anelka scoring, smiling, kissing the Manchester City badge and then raising his shirt to reveal a t-shirt with the words 'Blue Til I Die'. Somehow we think the 'smiling' part might be the most difficult part of that equation.

* David Beckham attempting any manoeuvre more difficult than leaning back, putting his arms out and swinging his right boot.

* The banning of the headlines 'Ruud Awakening', 'Shear Class' and anything involving 'Owen Goal'.

* Forget the mind games, Arsene Wenger and Sir Alex Ferguson actually coming to real-life blows. Naked. In mud.

* Alan Shearer giving Craig Bellamy a clip around the ear and telling him to 'behave'. And then confirming the incident actually happened.

* Fergie going on 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'.